The Funeral
by slaterchest
Summary: This is my first one-shot. Brian goes to his mother's funeral. Insanity follows. T for language.


**I don't own QAF or the characters.**

 **This story came to me last night. Yesterday my dear cousin passed away. I started to think about the funeral and all that could go wrong with my volatile family. I then decided to write this story. It started out funnier in my head then it ended up. It's not supposed to be sad though. Hope you like it. This is my first One-shot.**

"Brian, I didn't expect you in today," Cynthia said sympathetically.

"Why not? It's Wednesday isn't it?"

"No, I just meant your mother's funeral was only yesterday. I thought you would be out for the rest of the week."

Brian snorted. "I would have come in after the funeral if I hadn't had to bail Justin out of jail."

"What?" Cynthia screeched.

"Not just Justin though; Michael, Debbie and Emmett too."

Cynthia stood stunned for a moment before speaking again. "What no Ted?" She said after realizing she hadn't see Ted since yesterday morning before he headed off to the funeral.

"I didn't bail Ted out."

"That's good he didn't get arrested."

"I didn't say that, I just said I didn't bail him out. I left that for Blake. It was all Schmidt's fault anyway."

"Please, if you do anything else today, tell me what happened; word for word.

Brian sighed. "Well, it started off a normal day."

 _Brian was straightening his tie in the mirror when Justin came out of the bathroom. He had the towel wrapped around his waist. It had been eight years since he met the moon-eyed seventeen-year old school boy. Now Justin was a strong, proud man; everything Brian had hoped for him to be._

 _Justin spent a year in New York before coming home. It was then they got back together and shocked their friends when they announced the wedding was back on. The wedding this time around had been much smaller and more them. Lindsay and Mel came back with the kids soon after Justin did. They were homesick and were also getting tired of being by themselves in Canada._

 _His life was almost perfect until three days ago. His sister Claire called him to tell him their mother was dead. When he asked how, Claire had been elusive on the matter. It had taken him going to the morgue to find out why. His mother was driving even though she didn't have a license anymore. She was three times over the legal limit. The rest of Pittsburgh had been lucky and she only took out herself and an empty, parked bus._

 _Because of the damage that was done to her body the funeral was closed casket. Claire had been surprisingly quiet on the whole matter. He expected her to cry and scream like she did with their father, but none of that happened._

 _"_ _Are John and Peter going to be at the funeral?" Justin asked as he started to put on his suit._

 _"_ _I don't know; I haven't really talked to Claire."_

 _"_ _The rest of the gang is coming. I talked to Deb last night."_

 _"_ _For fucks sake, I don't want people there. You weren't there for my father's debacle. There is no way this will be any better. Well, maybe because Saint Joan won't have her say this time. But who knows what Claire is going to do."_

 _"_ _They want to be there for you. Let them, please."_

 _"_ _Just as long as they aren't bringing the kids."_

 _"_ _No, my mom is going to watch them at Deb's house."_

 _"_ _Good."_

 _They drove to the church. They had already discussed it and Brian passed on riding with Claire from the church to the cemetery._

 _There was an hour of viewing before the service. Brian told Justin it was stupid to have a view of a closed casket but it had been what Claire and his mother had worked out long ago. Brian guessed his mother gave Claire a detailed list of things for her funeral after Jack died._

 _Brian didn't know what to expect when he walked into the church. A little part of him thought that there would be next to no one that came. He had been very wrong. There were family members he hadn't seen in years, some over twenty years back._

 _His mother's two brothers where there. She hadn't spoken to them since they tried to get her to leave Jack when he broke Brian's arm. That had been when Brian was only twelve. He only had vague memories of his Uncle Matt and Uncle Scott. There was also his elderly grandmother. Joan had estranged herself from her mother when she told her mother that she was going to hell. Grandmother Cassandra had given birth to Joan before marriage. It was a big family scandal. She later married Matt and Scott's father._

 _It wasn't until Joan was pregnant and trying to get Jack to marry her before the truth came out. She had told Joan that she didn't have to marry someone like Jack, she could wait until real love found her like it had Cassandra. Joan had got all self-righteous and said that her child would not be born a bastard, she wouldn't do what her mother had done to her._

 _There were also cousins and others that he either had never met or didn't remember. None of these people came to his father's funeral. Then there were people from his father's side. Some of Jack's old drinking buddies were there with their wives. Jack's baby sister, Wanda was there. She had her two loud mouth daughters beside her. Wanda was very much like her brother and very abrasive. Brian luckily hadn't had to put up with her very much because her and his mother didn't get along._

 _"_ _Brian? Is that you?" He only knew the man calling to him was his Uncle Matt because of his mother's old photos that she kept locked up that he used to sneak and see. He only had old, faded memories of either man._

 _"_ _Yep."_

 _Matt pulled him into a big hug, surprising Brian. "I missed you, kiddo."_

 _Brian was about to say something when he felt another set of arms go around him and Matt. He looked up and saw it was his Uncle Scott. Swerving his head, a little he spotted Justin who was standing off to the side with a matching look of shock on his face._

 _"_ _Umm… okay," he said before extracting himself for the hug._

 _"_ _I'm sorry, you must be so upset with us. We wanted to see you but your parents would allow it."_

 _"_ _I haven't been under my parents' roof since I was sixteen."_

 _"_ _They kicked you out?" Scott asked horrified._

 _"_ _No, I left. I stayed with a friend and worked until I went off to college. It doesn't matter though, I didn't need you to take care of me, I didn't need anyone."_

 _"_ _That's good, a self-made man. I like that," Matt said. Brian could tell he was trying to get Brian to not blow him off._

 _A short woman with dyed blonde hair joined standing beside Matt._

 _"_ _Brian, I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Helen." Matt turned and pointed at three men around Justin's age chatting among themselves. "The blonde and the redhead are our sons, Thomas and Leo. The one with the shaved-head is Scott and Mary's son, Hooper."_

 _Brian signaled Justin over, it was the easiest way to make people leave him alone. Just knowing his mother, he knew her brothers should be close to the same in their thinking._

 _"_ _Well, this is my husband, Justin," he introduced. He smiled to himself when he saw the shocked faces from his uncles. Before they could stay anything he grabbed Justin's hand and pulled him over to where Ben and Michael were standing._

 _"_ _Who were they?" Michael asked._

 _"_ _My uncles."_

 _"_ _I didn't know you had any uncles. Just that shrew of an aunt," Michael said pointing at Wanda._

 _"_ _Well, I haven't seen them since I was twelve so I didn't think they were worth mentioning."_

 _Soon they were joined by the rest of the gang. Debbie and Emmett had both toned down their attire for the occasion. When the funeral mass started Brian's mind started to wonder. First he wondered if all these people went to the Vigil at the funeral home. Claire had told him the time but he hadn't told anyone beside Justin. They didn't go because he had promised Gus he would be at his play, and it wasn't breaking a promise to his son._

 _After the funeral mass was time for the Rite of Committal at the gravesite. She was to be buried beside the old man. Jack should be lucky he had all these years of quiet. It was at the gravesite that everything went to hell._

 _It had started quite innocent really. An innocent question from an out-of-the-loop relative. It had been his cousin Leo that started the shit-fest._

 _As they waited for the everyone to get to the gravesite Leo walked up to stand beside Brian._

 _"_ _So Brian, are you married with kids now?"_

 _"_ _Yes, I'm married and I have a son." He slung an arm around Justin and kissed him on the lips. "This is my husband."_

 _Leo looked shocked for a moment but then started to recover. Before he could say anything else a new voice joined in._

 _"_ _Did your mother know? The shame was probably what killed her." This from one of Wanda's spawn, if memory served her name was Eleanor._

 _"_ _Yes she knew. But it wasn't the shame that killed her it was the bottle of vodka she downed before going off to play bingo." There were shocked gasps all around, Claire had seemed to keep everyone else in the dark about how Joan died._

 _His eyes slid over to his big sister, she was like a statue. She had been like that since she arrived at the church earlier. It was like she was a walking zombie; she hadn't talked to anyone since arriving. Her face was completely blank of any emotion._

 _"_ _You're lying," Uncle Matt said._

 _"_ _I'm not, she was an alcoholic just like good ol' Jack. You remember him don't you?" Brian said icily._

 _"_ _This isn't the place or time to do this," Reverend Tom said._

 _"_ _I will not stand here while he tells these lies about my sister," Matt snapped._

 _"_ _How would you know anything about your sister? You have seen her in twenty-five years," Brian yelled back._

 _"_ _Please, can we calm down. Everyone, please," Reverend Tom said when more shouting from others started._

 _"_ _I don't have to listen to the lies of a fag," Matt yelled._

 _It was deathly silent after that. Everyone had a stunned look on their faces. Some quickly changed to disgust and other curious. Reverend Tom was able to get control of everyone._

 _What Brian didn't know was while his mother was being laid to rest someone else was stewing. Just as the casket was being lowered into the ground he heard a loud yell._

 _"_ _You-son-of-a-bitch," Matt's son, Thomas yelled as he punched Ted._

 _"_ _What the hell is your problem?" Blake yelled at Thomas as he tended to Ted who was still on the ground, blood seeping out of his nose._

 _"_ _He said Dad was a closet case," the red-headed man defended himself._

 _Brian guessed Ted made a smart-ass comment that was only meant for their group to hear. Unfortunately for Theodore, Thomas heard him._

 _"_ _I'm no AIDS-ridden fag," Matt snarled, his face red as a tomato._

 _"_ _THIS IS A FUNERAL!" Reverend Tom screamed. Too bad for him the dynamite had already been lit._

 _"_ _Isn't it always the guys who suck dick the best that lose their shit when someone finds out?"_

 _"_ _You're not helping Michael," Brian bit out._

 _"_ _I wasn't trying to help," Michael was glaring daggers at Matt. Ben was behind him seemingly trying and failing to calm his husband down._

 _"_ _Brian, we all should just get out of here," Justin said grabbing a hold of his hand._

 _"_ _I think we should all just calm down. Maybe it is best if we leave," Ben said trying to defuse the situation._

 _"_ _I agree, come on, Dad," Matt's other son, Leo said._

 _"_ _I think all the fags should leave, she wouldn't have wanted any of them here anyway," Matt snapped._

 _"_ _Matthew, calm down, this isn't the time or the place," Grandmother Cassandra said._

 _Just as Brian was considering Justin's words a scuffle caught his attention. He looked up to see Thomas had pinned Ted to the ground and was about to punch him again. Before Brian could get to them Ben was pulling the guy off Ted. That was when hell really broke lose._

 _Hooper jumped on Ben's back and put him in a headlock. Michael started to panic but when he tried to go to Ben's aid he was stopped by Thomas who knocked him to the ground. Brian started to move but was once again beat, this time by Justin, who tackled Thomas as he was hitting Michael._

 _He heard a woman screaming and saw his Aunt Wanda's daughter Lisa hitting Emmett with her purse. She was screaming foul words at the shocked man. Emmett seemed to be as lost about why the woman was hitting him as Brian was. Emmett wasn't defending himself though. That was when Brian saw a flash of red as Debbie collided with the woman._

 _He hadn't realized that Reverend Tom had called the police until several squad cars arrived and police ran into the cemetery. Brian was one of the only ones not fighting. He had been just so shocked that the fight was happening at his mother's burial he was still as a stone for most of it._

 _All in all; Ted, Michael, Debbie, Justin, Emmett had been arrested, along with Hooper, Thomas and Lisa. As they were taking away Justin in handcuffs he looked at Reverend Tom. "We'll have to do this again sometime." That was when Claire finally really woke up. She started laughing hysterically before telling their mother to say hi to daddy in hell, then she turned and left._

 _He spent the rest of the night bailing out his surrogate mother, best friend, husband and close friend. Blake could take care of Ted, it had all been Ted's fault to begin with making the smart-ass remark._

"Oh. My. God." Cynthia looked at him with wide eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, let me think. Maybe because there was a brawl at your mother's funeral?"

"Truthfully, I couldn't think of a better way to send off Saint Joan."

"What about Justin? Is he okay?"

"He was in a jail cell with Michael and Emmett, it wasn't like he was in with Big Hairy Al or anything. And he was only there long enough to be processed. I don't think any charges are really going to stick, at least to Michael, Justin, Deb and Emmett. For one Emmett didn't hit anyone. Michael, Justin and Deb were all defending someone else. Carl is pretty sure nothing will stick."

"Wow, at least you won't have to see those people again."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your mother's family, you don't have to make nice anymore."

"Are you kidding, I invited them to Thanksgiving," Brian said with a smirk.

At first Cynthia thought he was joking but it became clear he wasn't.

"Why in the hell did you invite them to Thanksgiving?"

"Well, there was a family brawl and I didn't get to hit one person. That's not very much fun, and I owe Thomas a couple shots for the black eye Justin is sporting now."

Cynthia rolled her eyes and decided to leave this whole thing alone. There was no way anything Brian Kinney did made since to her.

"I have the numbers for the Siskel account."


End file.
